Archive for November, 2008


November 27, 2008 5 comments

“sometimes there’s so much beauty in the world i feel like i can’t take it, like my heart’s going to cave in.”

This is a quote from one of my favourite films, American Beauty. The film is quite obscure, very twisted. One of the main characters, Ricky, becomes so endearing as to his outlook on the world. He sees beauty in everything; he films a carrier bag blowing in the wind because of the beauty of its dancing, its freedom. At the end of the film the main character, Lester, dies from a shot to the head but is left lying on the table with a smile on his face. Ricky films this; he sees beauty in this. I’m never sure how to feel about that; it’s twisted yet endearing I suppose.

Just last night, I was having a conversation with a friend about seeing beauty in people. At that moment it seemed so easy to say that everyone contained some form of beauty, something wonderful about them. My friend, however, wasn’t convinced and I struggled with this thought. This morning I woke up to the newspapers telling me of the horror in India. Could I see any beauty in this? I couldn’t. I couldn’t stop feeling how wrong this was, how unjust the actions were. Was there any beauty in the people that carried out the acts? I can’t see it. I don’t want to. Well that’s not true…I DO want to see beauty in THEM, just not what they have done and what they may continue to do. It was so heartbreaking, sitting with a friend in the common room today who knew people from that area. She was broken from these acts, people everywhere are. How can there be beauty? I’m not sure where this need to see beauty everywhere has come from, but I so want to. People are living in fear, panic, despair, grief, darkness.
Maybe the beauty will be seen from the help offered by people, worldwide. Maybe it will be seen in healing. Maybe it will be seen in hope. Maybe it will be seen in peace. These are all maybes, but I hope they are real.

Perhaps the hope of beauty all around is too airy fairy, maybe it’s unrealistic but I really hope not. Hope is such a strong thing and there is such a need to see it working in the lives of all who have been hurt by this.

i think i had more thoughts but they remain clouded for the moment…

poisson rouge.

November 9, 2008 2 comments

i have had a lot of goldfish chat on my mind as of late so i thought i would take it a bit further, probably too far, and it may come across either ridiculous or hilarious but i don’t mean it to be.

i have met two goldfish as of late. the first one that entered my life was a herbert. neil got him as a gift and he came in a very lonely little tank, looking very sad. i am not sure how or even if a fish can look sad but i am pretty certain that he did. he didn’t even go for wee swims, just floated and he didn’t seem to be “living” despite being alive. his tank was so sad, it was empty with some stones at the bottom. this is where i shall get ridiculous; all i could compare this image to was a human being put on a piece of grass, some plastic put round them and then every so often someone would sprinkle some rice crispies on top of them for some food. maybe it’s not so bad for a fish. but i couldn’t get over how sad he looked in his wee tank. my mum obviously felt sorry for him too and has been making his little home a bit more like a home; plants and bubbles (!!) and he actually swims now and looks more like a fish. i still don’t think it’s very nice, however. poor herbert. maybe he is completely content in his confinement, this would be nice, but it alarms me.

i also met another fish, just this week, who belonged to a pal and i got to name it. i decided to go with a name appropriate to the date of purchase; the day i had this overwhelming sense that the world had completely changed for the better, so he was named Barack. he didn’t look overly well when he arrived in his tank either, sadly…i must have a bad effect on fish. i was away at the children’s assembly this weekend and was getting text updates on barack’s health. sadly he died on saturday….he did not even last a week!

i know, i know…it’s just a fish. but it made me feel a bit horrible to know he spent his days in a tiny tank, with no pals, no freedom.  i believe i am sounding mildly eccentric. oh well.

i am very, very tired after the weekend that has just passed so i am going to essay my life away and then sleep, but not in a tank; in a bed, with some music and many a happy memory in my mind.