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Posts Tagged ‘decisions’

Walking by faith…

February 27, 2010 3 comments

I didn’t really think I would write about this as I am never sure if it is something you should write about in a blog but then again, it’s not a secret. I simply suck at speaking about such things.
Quite a few months ago I was asked to be an elder. I am not the best at making any kind of decision never mind one that involves a life time commitment. Therefore, I have changed my mind so, so many times. It’s tricky. It’s made me look at my whole self, my faith, my relationships…everything! My main concern is my age and I absolutely know that should not be an issue but it feels like a factor. I’m not convinced I have anything to bring to the role of an elder. I’m not convinced I am mature enough. Everything is one big doubt.

Another part of me feels called to the role. I never really understood “callings” but then I don’t think you do until you experience one. It’s hard to describe. Maybe I am letting doubts and fears get in the way of it all but maybe I am being realistic too?! I am not sure.

I remembered this song a lovely friend of mine introduced me to over the summer: “By Faith” by Keith and Kristyn Getty. I love their music. It’s modern and relevant and doesn’t make me feel awkward or uncomfortable! hoorah. Anyway, point is…that song. It’s about walking by faith and not by sight. Tricky tricky tricky. I feel small. That is all.

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it’s never too late to become what you might have been…

March 5, 2009 Leave a comment

I’m not entirely sure where February went; I think I missed it. Times are incredibly busy at the moment; the essays due in are multiplying and decisions have to be made. I think I prefer the essays to the decisions. On that note; Marble Slab, an ice cream shop, just opened in the Overgate. It is up there with Subway on my list of horrific experiences. It carries too many choices; I just couldn’t operate it. One day I may get over the inability to choose sandwiches or other food products. It also probably wouldn’t kill me to be more willing to make the wrong decision in this department one day. I guess this should be true for larger decisions too but I tend to just ignore them or climb up a hill with an ipod. The latter tends to be quite effective.

I decided not to go abroad for a year, in Australia (not convinced I actually mentioned this at all to very many people anyway). Since deciding not to go, my head has been full of confusion. I feel like I have made the right decision but there is still some part of me that is constantly seeking some sort of validation of it; rather than the “you’re an idiot” response. I am not sure why I feel like I need any clarification. Maybe there is a small part of me that thinks it wasn’t the right decision. I was going to link this into the sandwich chat earlier, but then I realised this would be a small bit ridiculous. I like to link stresses to hilarious chat, even if it is annoying. 🙂

I watched a film the other day called “Away From Her”. It is about a woman who develops Alzeimer’s and has to go into a nursing home. There is a lot more to the story but the part that I really didn’t expect was how the lady said, in the early stages of the disease, that there was a certain liberation for her that came with the illness. She could start again, without the bad memories of the past, and could be who she wanted to be to a certain extent. She could make decisions without her mind lingering in the past. I found it quite hard to understand, to be honest but triggered off some crazy chat in my head. I might have to watch it again. It is a beautiful film though, you should watch it.

I am not feeling very bloggy at the moment really but I’m sure the urge shall return…

Everything’s fine, just fine…

September 17, 2008 1 comment

I love song lyrics, I love how they make you feel; or how they can give you a sense of understanding. Saying that I think I actually love instrumental music more so. You can create your own little pictures, stories and words to the music and that’s beautiful how music can do that…and also kind of fun!

I’ve been listening to this song by Yvonne Lyon a lot over the past few days:

 

 

Today I saw an angel,

She was smaller than I’d hoped for,

I would have recognised her sooner, had there been a shining light,

Or white wings and a halo, like you see in all the movies

But heaven has a way of sometimes sneaking up on you.

And all eternity was wrapped up in her smile,

and she whispered with her eyes,

Everything’s just fine, just fine,

Everything’s fine, just fine.

  

Happy is the heart that finds a way to overcome,

Despite a world that turns you upside down

You can shout louder now,

You can sing louder now,

Everything’s fine, just fine,

Everything’s fine, just fine.

I’ve been trying to gear myself up to going back to uni over the past few days which has been a much more difficult task than I once thought. I guess many people didn’t actually know that in the back of my head I had planned not to go back for second year at Dundee. The main reason I thought this was because I felt, for the first time, I knew what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go with studying law. To do this I would be better to take certain modules that just aren’t available at Dundee and would make things very difficult. I guess it is kind of bizarre that I eventually decided to go and matriculate the other day. I’m not even sure why I did. So I’ve been sitting thinking that maybe I have missed an opportunity here and that I have been a small fool. I was just too scared…it terrfied me to think I might be throwing away something that I loved for something that could potentially go oh so wrong. There have and will be so many “what ifs…”.

 

I was comforted today by a lot of talking and whilst I may be still annoyed at myself for not taking such a jump maybe it’s not such a bad thing. I don’t have to limit myself to being at uni for five years. If there are law modules I want to do that aren’t possible at Dundee, there are ways to make that happen without having to start all over again in a new city. I’m still being consumed a little by this stupid illness. I still get the odd random day where I feel like I cannot physically move and I haven’t quite found a way to adjust to it. It’s a really frightening thing too because when you cannot DO anything, you tend to think more and then you get drained mentally as well as physically and then you just crash and burn and feel utterly useless. There are also so many things I’m committed to in Dundee….church, music and controversially labour (which is very horrid at the moment and requires another entry).  Maybe I am just making excuses for my lack of determination or my lack of ability to make things happen BUT I don’t think by not acting things will be bad. I need time to get better; I’ve never coped well with being ill because I am not a fan of resting and such things. I also need to keep learning for sanity reasons and maybe the best way to do both these things is to stay put. Whilst that wasn’t my original reason for deciding to stay (I’ll be honest; I was being a wimp!) maybe it is actually the right decision. I am also aware I may be making excuses for my foolish ways and am totally open to the fact that I have made the wrong decision. I don’t really know actually. I am still longing for some understanding on it all but at the same time as someone said to me today, accidentally quoting the song I have been listening to so much…everything IS fine and I got a lot of comfort out of just hearing that. I might not know right now what the right decision was but I’m open to whatever is going to happen.

 

 This has all been a bit rambly and not quite as cheery as I had hoped but I am actually a LOT more content than maybe these words suggest. There is a strange excitement amongst it all…but it’s also a TERRIFIED excitement. It does bring me back to Mark Yaconelli’s talk about being “free” and all the small group chat that happened after. I always have a very annoying need for reassurance…a need to know I am doing the right thing; inability to make decisions. I can never just DO something. There is nothing wrong with thinking things through but I take it a step further; I back away if there are doubts filling my mind. Maybe if I could stop doubting, stop analysing I could be free…this perhaps needs more of a ponder.

 

On a more hilarious note; my brother’s phone charger exploded- big noise, big light etc. whilst I was baking. The charger was just outside the kitchen at this moment in time and must have sounded like it was from there. My Dad was in the house and after my delayed reaction scream I heard him say “OH” in a very casual manner. He continued to walk through slowly to say “I’m so glad you’re not on the floor! Now what was that?”. I had to laugh and then I ripped him a lot for his casual reaction to my potential self combustion but then thought…BUT how DO you react?! Weird and horrible thought for the day and I apologise that I am now going to leave you with that thought…